The stories we create for ourselves

(I write from a lived, experienced perspective.)

We may say to ourselves:

I do not belong; they are all better than me; therefore, I will not attend.

I really don't want to go, but I can't afford to lose their friendships; even though I will be the joke of the night, at least I have them.

I am not pretty enough to wear that dress; therefore, I will not buy it.

I am not intelligent enough to join the conversation, so I will remain quiet even if they speak rubbish.

I will laugh at their jokes even though I know it is not funny, but I need to be liked.

I don't like wearing short skirts and being revealing, but being sexy is all I can be.

I will not take that course. I'm stupid anyway and will only be wasting money.

I cannot complain of abuse because I am worthless, and no one else will love me.

I am damaged goods. No one will love me.

My father abused my mother. All the women in my family have been abused, so it's my portion.

I will never amount to anything because no one in my family has achieved anything.

I love my body, but they said I'm fat; therefore, I will have to starve to look like they do.

I am stupid. I have nothing interesting to say.

No one to my liking is asking me out, so I must settle for whatever. At least it's a relationship, even if I am miserable.

I will work from home; they are all better off without me.

I am my mother's daughter; I am just like her, crazy and all.

My family has had generations of bad luck; therefore, nothing good will happen to me.

No one got a higher education in my family. I cannot, either.

Our brains are designed to protect us. In making sense of our world, stories are created to build a belief system that helps us interact with the world. Some of these stories are developed subconsciously, and some intentionally.

If you are operating from a place of trauma, your stories will look like many above. Your stories will look similar to those above if you have lived your entire childhood feeling unloved and told by relatives that you are not good enough, which is why you had no parents.

Are these stories permanent? Definitely not.

Some of those stories are mine. I felt inadequate, not good enough or loveable for a long time. I felt that in order to be accepted, I had to lower who I was and allow others to shine. I thought I had nothing to bring to the conversations, and even if I did, it would not be interesting. I was sometimes loud and entertaining because I felt it was my role.

What role are you performing?

If we operate in these negatively created stories for too long, soon, they become our real stories.

A traumatic event can cause a person to create a new narrative with the hope of escaping their pain. Trauma tends to transform you from the inside out, removing every dignity, belief, and self-worth you have. When you lose sight of who you are due to your trauma, you tend to develop multiple personalities and characters and find yourself in many different settings, liking everything others like and not having an authentic voice or preference – a headless chicken comes to mind.

Our stories combine what we learn from observations, what we have heard from others, the ones we created through our experiences and the ones we made to survive.

What stories do you tell yourselves?

What stories are you allowing others to write for you?

What stories are life's experiences writing for you?

During one of my years at university, I encountered a young lad in the library whom I asked to watch my bag and laptop while I used the toilet. When I returned, his friends were waiting with one of the boy's arms around his shoulder who introduced himself as his partner; I thanked him, and they left. On another day, I saw him. He said hi, I said hello, and then asked, "Where are your friends and your boyfriend?" He said they were upstairs and then quickly said, "he is not my boyfriend. I like girls; I am only pretending until I go back home after we graduate. It is lonely here, and I need friends." I could not say anything; I was at a loss for words, and he said, "See you around," and left. He was about 24 years old. He had created a story to survive. He did not believe being in a relationship with another boy was wrong but that it was not his real story.

Sometimes, the stories we create cause internal discomfort or tension because we do and tell ourselves one thing while believing something else. This is cognitive dissonance. An example could be you will laugh at their jokes even though you know it is not funny or you know that drinking too much is unhealthy, but you need to belong, so you do. Many of us think one way but behave another way because of the stories we have created to survive.

Over the years, I have learned to reflect on my attitudes, behaviours and experiences, ensuring that the stories I create are true and not influenced by my negative past experiences or other people's voices. I reflect on my past, learning what served me well and what did not.

I have adapted a couple of practices, which include reflection-in-action and reflection-on-action (Donald Schon 1930-1997). Reflection-in-action involves reflecting on the spot as I interact with others or on my own, and these stories start to form. I can then shut them down or rewrite them. Reflection-on-action is looking back on the attitudes, behaviours, and stories I have created and trying to understand their roots and rewrite or change them. To change the negative stories in our lives takes intention and effort. You must start writing new, positive, productive stories to replace the negative ones. It has taken me a long time and is a continuous process.