Where do you place your grief?

On one of my many unplanned walks this morning, I stumbled across Grenfell Tower.

This tragedy left many families and the community broken.

As I stood reading the comments written by loved ones, family, and friends left behind on the fence and the most beautiful yet painful and sad tree, I felt an intense feeling of love, anger, pain, loss, grief and sadness.

Where do you place your grief? How do you deal with your loss? How do you move on? Like myself, do you bury it within you and carry the pain without letting go?

I lost my mother, my childhood, and my innocence when I was 13 years old during the brutal civil war in Liberia, West Africa. Only in the last few years have I started to deal with my loss. I have held my mother close, basking and remaining in the love I knew she had for me. I consulted her on everything in my head as though she was still with me. I did things I thought she would be proud of; I lived as though I was also living for her. I named my daughter after her and got a tattoo of her name, all of which helped me to cope.

But because I held her love and loss so close, I couldn't let anyone else in or allow anyone to hurt me. No one was as important as her to hurt me. I had numbed myself to experiencing and feeling real-life emotions. The risk was too high; I had been broken already by her death and was not allowing myself to be hurt again. Walking away from friendships and relationships was easy because I had my greatest love and loss still with me - my mum.

Over the years of not dealing with my grief, I developed Complicated  Grief, sometimes called Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, which was evident in my inability to accept the reality of my mother’s death, my failure to adjust to a new reality where she no longer existed, unable to allow the experiencing of the pain of my loss and forming tangible healthy relationships.

At this realisation, it became clear it was unhealthy and that I had to let her go. I had to face my grief; I had to build genuine friendships and relationships. I am now allowing myself to learn to heal, allowing my heart to mend and take risks.  I am working towards reclaiming full acceptance and peace, and you can too.

Standing in front of the Grenfell fence and memorial tree, I felt the pain and loss felt by many, and I wondered whether writing their thoughts, emotions, and pains so openly had helped. I have found solace over the years in therapy and journaling. I know journaling and therapy helped by giving me clarity, creating a safe place to express my emotions, giving me a space to honour my mother, putting things in perspective and clearing my mind.

Don't grieve in silence. Reach out to others, and journal your grief and felt emotions. Also, if you can, see a therapist. Speak to your doctor if you are struggling to cope.

Where do you place your grief?